There are days when I sit and take stock of life. The good, the bad, the ugly are all on full display for me to hash over.
Today is one of those days.
What once was a theory in my life that all things come in threes now has me sitting on the couch, wondering what the third in this latest series of events will be.
I don't know what is to come of things. I know where I have been. Three years ago, I left an abusive marriage. I thought that my biggest battle had been won. 33 years ago, my mother was diagnosed with the same disease I am fighting to keep at bay now. Three days ago, I learned that my health is far more complicated than "We caught it early."
And tonight, 3 hours later, I sit wrestling with some brutal truths. Life is not what I want it to be. My kids are experiencing the pain I felt at their age when my mother was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer. My sweet father has to watch two women he loves with all his heart fight the same battle, and he is scared. Some of my dearest friends, who walked with me through losing my mother, are walking with me now. My circle of elephant sisters, who I have poured my heart into giving and supporting, now are giving to and helping me--and I am not a taker. In fact, I receive very, very poorly. That seems really selfish as I write this.
So, today, I took an inventory after about three hours of tears and prayers.
Three truths:
God is still good. No matter what I face, He knows the future, who will be in it, and all the ins and outs. He will protect me, comfort my children and my friends, humble me, help me, and heal me, whether here or in Heaven. Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you." Jeremiah 33:3, "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."
I am only human, and I can't do this all by myself. I am stealing blessings from those who can give me love, support, and time right now by shying away and trying to shoulder the fears, pain, and sorrow I am feeling right now. The truth is, I am tired and weak, and I have a long road ahead. I am already out of steam. I will learn to receive what others give graciously and without guilt or shame. John 15:12-13, "...Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends."
I can still give what I have. I have the truth in my heart. I can share God's goodness with others. I can be a light to people where they see none. I can still shine, even if only light reflects off my tears. There is good in this journey. There is pain, suffering, sorrow, and uncertainty. But there is good, and to see it, I have to look outside of myself, outside of the medicine, outside of the past, and look toward Jesus because He holds my future. Romans 8:18, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us."
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